Sex and Love

Sex and Love are two very different things. Most days, I spend my time wondering where all this sex is going to end up. In college, promiscuity wasn't hard. It was easy getting the one night stands, it was easier to more or less forget the person that I had sex with. Sex, especially in this day and age, is something so standard and common. It seems so casual that it's easier to have sex to get to know someone than it is to go out on a date. I look back at past relationships and I see how often they started with sex. How few dates I have actually ever been on. How I've made an ass of myself when ever anyone actually showed real affection instead of just lust. It seems like sex is just easier. Love can be messy and complicated. Love can leave you completely destroyed if it goes wrong. As time ticks on, as every birthday passes, as I see more and more people I know getting married and starting families, my mind always wanders back to the same question; Will it ever happen to me? 


I've been in love several times, but it always seems to slowly crawl to the end. You can always feel the end of a relationship. Being around your significant other starts to feel... distant, strange, almost broken. It feels like all the sudden, there is an ocean filling up between you, and neither of you have a way to cross it and reconnect. I wonder how other people deal with it. The distance. How do people that have been together 5, 10, even 15 years not feel that? Will I ever not feel that way? 


I have been blaming my location lately for my lack of romantic relationships. Especially since the last one, who ate my heart and shit it back out. Maybe, that is not the case. To be completely honest, I don't have an answer. I  have had several sexual partners since my last relationship, but nothing usually more than one night and if they were longer, I fucked it all up pretty quick. Who knows, maybe I'm at that age where relationships are "over rated". I don't think that's true. After being single for about a year, there is one thing I have realized. It really, really, really sucks to fall asleep alone every night. It sucks to rely on batteries for your only sexual contact. Most of all, knowing that all my friends are in couples, I am fucking sick and tired of being a third wheel. Or being cancelled on for the S.O. Or just realizing that when I want to go out, I'm usually going out alone. Because most of my friends are in couples, or wanting to be, or have kids, I usually go to movies alone. I go out for food alone. I go shopping alone. I spend pretty much every day alone. It's nice, sometimes. I don't think people who realize that there is always someone around realize how being alone can slowly turn you into someone different. The person I was a year ago is different than the person I am now. I know that happens to everyone, but this is a drastic feeling.


Even when all these thoughts and feelings get me down, I have to force myself to push through. Keep thinking, Maybe Someday. You know what they say though... Someday never seems to come. 


Anyway, stay sexy, lovelies!